we hold ourselves back

Each day I walk a fine line between sanity and insanity.

I've known this for some time now.

I have periods in my life where I feel incredibly connected to myself, my mission, my relationships and my work.

I make huge progress towards becoming the person I aim to be and for that period, I become truly unstoppable.

However, coupled with that, come periods of equally intense neglect.

Doubt begins to seep in, I disconnect from others and my mind and body is plunged into disgusting bouts of mayhem.

I find a certain beauty in watching this psychotic exchange between order and chaos.

They flow together seamlessly, ebbing back and forth with the flawless grace of ballroom dancers.

Both have their distinct roles to play and neither one can dance alone.

Order is not necessarily good, nor chaos bad.

They are just two tiny parts of the ultimate picture.

I'm not writing to you to share the details of my personal highs and lows because, frankly, that won't do you any good.

Instead, I want to share with you what I've learned from watching myself repeat these cycles of construction and destruction, so that you may learn to recognize your own.

I am writing this letter from the tail end of a chaotic week.

For the past five days, I let myself neglect the things that make me happy, I've fallen back into old habits and to be honest, I lost control.

I slowed the momentum I had built previously in terms of my physical, mental, spiritual and financial wellbeing.

For the first time in a while, I didn't fulfill all the promises I had made to myself.

I am not proud of how I spent those five days, however I don't regret a single moment of it.

In fact, these past couple of days have been of incredible benefit to me.

A week ago, I wrote this in my journal:

"I don't think I've ever experienced such incredible flow like this. I've stepped into unchartered territory. I know that I deserve to be here because of the work I've put in, but I also know that my ego is on the verge of kicking up a fuss. As above, so below. I'm one hair away from falling into darkness. This time, I'm fucking ready."

This was my entry from three days ago:

"I have fallen into pure degeneracy. As was expected. I told myself I'd fall into this trap. I literally manifested this. What an incredible opportunity to be able to explore consciousness in this way. So many different stimuli. Today was the first day in weeks where I didn't do any writing. Shit. No worries though, tomorrow we continue. I know better than anyone that my actions control my emotions and when my actions are out of line with my goals, my mind descends into chaos. This is the theory in practice."

Last night I wrote this:

"It's incredibly difficult to be miserable. I don't know how the fuck people put up with it for their entire lives. Today was a flop. There's really nothing I hate more than wasting a day. Thankfully, I know that all I need to do to swing myself back around is get up when my alarm goes off in the morning and write a letter. That's it. There's no overcomplicating it. That first win, coupled with the rest of my morning routine will set me up for the day and get me back on track. I fucking know it. The only reason I ever feel off is because my actions are out of line with my goals. All I ever have to do to get back on track is something that takes me closer to where I want to be. I say I want to be a writer. Why am I not writing every single day?"

So today, I got up when my alarm went off at 6:30. I went through my usual morning routine and I sat down to write this letter like I normally would.

I don't feel as high as I did a week ago, but I feel a whole lot fucking higher than I did the past couple of days.

I feel like I'm back on track.

Thankfully, I've learned by now not to chase this high.

The "high" is not the goal.

The goal is to keep doing the things that need to be done in order to manifest the life that I want to live.

For me, at this moment in my life, that's writing these letters.

For you, that could be anything.

The goal is not to feel "good" all the time, the goal is to continue doing the shit you know you need to do, regardless of how you feel.

Focus on your actions and you'll soon realize that the only reason you ever feel "off" is because your actions are bringing you further away from the future that you want for yourself.

You can pull yourself out of the darkest pits of hell by doing just one thing that brings you closer to your goals.

Most of the time, that's all it takes.

I now know that when I fall into these pits, I come back hungrier, stronger, more willing and more determined to get out there and fight for the life that I want.

See, most people are terrified of the idea of feeling a bit low for a couple of days. They dread a slight depression or a feeling of uncertainty and lack of control.

Therefore, when they do experience these lows, they convince themselves that they don't deserve to feel this way.

They try to run away from those feelings by turning to drink, drugs, endless scrolling and god knows what else.

Unfortunately, these actions are taking them further away from their desired future and therefore plunging them deeper into their depressive pit.

Please understand this:

You will never escape these feelings.

No matter how many of your goals you manage to achieve, or how "perfect" your life seems to be, you will continue to oscillate between these two extremes of destruction and creation.

It's completely unavoidable, it's human nature.

You can not cheat human nature.

I see these dark periods of life like a slingshot.

We get pulled back, further and further away from our desired destination.

It builds discomfort, it allows doubt to seep in, increasing the pressure exponentially.

Until eventually...

Boom.

We can't take it anymore.

We've hit rock bottom and the pressure is released, catapulting us far further forward than we've ever been before.

Learning to love these dark periods in my life has been one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned.

Last week when everything was going well, I knew I was dancing on the edge of a cliff.

I knew that in order to continue growing, I needed to pull back that slingshot.

Things we're going too well, I was getting too comfortable.

I decided to let myself go so I can hear my thoughts, watch my subconscious closely and spend some time in pure agony so that I can further understand the tricks that my mind will play to try stop me from growing.

Knowing that I can pull myself out of it at any time.

"If you know your enemy and know yourself, you need not fear result of a hundred battles"

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

You, my friend, are your own worst enemy.

If you want to chase anything great in life, the only true battle that you're fighting is the battle against yourself.

Spend time with yourself, study your patterns, gain an understanding of this person who will seemingly do anything to hold you back.

Learn to appreciate the dark periods of your life and use them to catapult you into the life that you want to live.

I'll leave you with this...

Don't fear your enemy, learn to love them relentlessly.

Only then will you be able to defeat them.

I hope you have a wonderful day,

Louis